Forgive The Growing Pains

I'm needy, I'm needy, I'm needy...
It's not needy if I need it.
It's not needy if I need it.
I'm weak if I'm needy.
I'm strong if I feed it.
I despise having grown into a social thing this year.
I despise that I have regrown enough trust to be human and weak... to be pathetic.
I outgrew one shell, and now I must suffer growing pains as I adjust to the next.
I cast aside the years of silence and suffering what was familiar...
I cast aside the things that bound me, belts, rings, books, and things... things.
Things.
Yet here I am needy.
Here I am needy and pathetic and weak, because I cannot breathe if I am alone now.
Yet I risk being unable to breathe around others.
I am being destroyed.
My character was pulled apart because March came with thoughts of my  suicide, April came with isolation, May came with defeat, July ripped out my heart, and I haven't even stopped to process 2019.
Forgive me if I am not the one you've known, I've grown.
Forgive me if the year has broken me down.
Forgive me if I am only human and will only take so much.
Forgive me if the broken edges are sharp unless you know how to hold them.
Forgive me if I don't talk to you about my life as much anymore, if I have retreated into my silence... but know I don't do it to spite you.
February came with me seeing myself as a burden, and January I was already seeing the writing for the year. The omen in the tea never lied to me.
August dug into me with anger and strife, September, I didn't even feel like I should celebrate my life. Already October has come and gone with a reminder of July, that smile is gone.
Forgive me if I can't be a human being... I'm tired of feeling defeated and weak.
Forgive me if I've been corrupted, if I snap, attack, and bite.
I've grown into a woman who stands for herself; a bitch. I would prefer though, to simply be called a Witch.
Yes, I have chosen some people over others; sun and moon and stars forbid I choose me.
Skies forbid... that I have the audacity to choose me.
Self care isn't equal and fair, it isn't a color coded checklist, therapy isn't forgive and forget.
No.
Forgive my bitterness for the growing pains...
But this year isn't going to end folks.
This is our reality now.
And yes, praise the optimists, but I would rather not die a Gatsby.
I am uncertain, I am afraid, I ache and shake, my depression?
It causes me physical pain.
And yes, it's in my brain.
My brain is the damn problem. I cannot just grow some serotonin. I cannot trade you for some dopamine.
I can't go vegan and gluten free to take my "gay" away (and fuck you; you know who you are, keep the book, that is a proper "thing"), I can't inject essential oils to chase it away, no amount of reiki or Chakra work, there's not magical crystal I can shove under my skin, no amount of asshole sunning can change the build of my brain because I have a revelation for you!
Depression? Anxiety?
They damage brains over time.
Emotional Abuse? Untreated concussions? They do too.
Some bitter news, I have all of that, my brain is bruised and blue.
It cannot heal. I have to take care of myself. Myself first and foremost.
My neurons are fried.
My nervous system is full of glitches and triggers, I'm sorry I can't always "just get used to them".
I'm sorry I'm not a normal fucking human...
At least it's my best that I am doing...
Maybe it doesn't look, doesn't feel, like yours, but it is mine.
I'm sorry if I've never been enough.